My oldest turns 10 today and it also marks my 10 year anniversary as a Tiger Mom. My family was a little worried about him being born into the year of the tiger 🐯. My parents kept teasing me that it was a tough zodiac sign and he was going to be a “rough” one. So I did what any defiant first-generation Asian American would do against the negative omens about my first born cub. I leaned into my role as his Tiger Mom.
Ty’s entry into the world was a dramatic one. To start, he was fashionably late from his due date of April 25th. The anticipation was killing everyone. Here are a few examples:
- My mother in law was upset when I missed her call the one time. She thought we were having the baby and didn’t tell anyone.
- My dad called, “Mom say you need to walk a lot, even if you’re tired.”
- My brother, David, texted me and wondered what was taking so long.
- My siblings were updating their statuses on Facebook…
- David: “is waiting for the phone call to confirm either I’m going to have a niece or nephew. excited to be an uncle”
- Lilly: ….still waiting for the call…. Am I going to be an Auntie soon?!?!
- Melanie: Is it here yet, is it here yet?? all anxiously waiting for Lana to have her baby soon!!!
Personally, I was glad he was late. I had plenty of time to wrap things up at work. It was 3 days past my due date when I told my boss that I was starting maternity leave early. I saw my OB earlier that day and she expressed that it was going to be soon. My water broke the very next morning. I called Mike, who was at work. The moment he entered the house, he screamed “Where’s my wife?!” Then we packed our bags and headed to the hospital.
The next series of events were the typical ones: we drove to the OB’s office to confirm my water broke; checked in at hospital; waited until I was ready to deliver, etc. However, around 5pm or so, I remembered the number of doctors and nurses in my room had tripled. All the monitors were faced towards them (away from me) so I didn’t know there was some concern over the baby. The nurses kept rolling me to one side and my doctor was staring at the monitors looking very unhappy. Mike somehow knew something was up because he sat in the back, away from the group huddle that formed around my bed. A few minutes later, my doctor said “Prep the OR.” Then she screamed “I said NOW!” All of sudden, they were yanking plugs, throwing IV bags+tubes on me, and shoving my bed through the doorway. They even tore an outlet off the wall when they rushed me to the OR.
Mentally, I was chanting “I need to remain calm for the baby. If I panic, so will baby. Please don’t die, Baby.” I was afraid to ask anyone anything because everyone was hyper focused. Once we arrived there, the anesthesiologist finally explained to me in the calmest voice that the baby’s heart rate had dropped very quickly. They had to get the baby out immediately. I remember the paper sheets were erected and there was so much commotion. I heard my doctor say there was no time to scrub in. She was going to wear her sterile gloves and smock. She already paged another doctor to assist but she was not waiting. She told the anesthesiologist, “I’m ready. Just say the word and I’m ready to cut.”
In my mind I was screaming, “Knock me out already!” I heard the pediatrician come in and eventually the second doctor who was going to assist in the surgery. He was told there was no time to scrub in. And then I was out. My next memory was hearing my good friend Christal in the room talking to Mike. She was telling him that I can hear him and that he should keep talking to me. He told me we had a son and that he was healthy and beautiful.
Luckily I had asked Christal to come be my support at the hospital earlier. She gave me the details of what happened. She had arrived just as all the drama was unfolding. They let her stand outside of the room. When they rushed me away, Mike was left alone in the room with no explanation. When a nurse came out to update him that everyone was fine, Mike couldn’t speak. Christal was by his side to ask the doctor questions such as “Is it a boy or a girl?” That person had to pause and say “Um, let me go back and check.”
Ty was born around 7pm but I don’t think I really got to meet him until after 9pm. I was drugged up on morphine (which I did not enjoy). My first thought when I met Ty was “he is cute!” He had my lips and nose. I was so shocked to see my features in him. I was usually terrible at facial recognition. He had Mike’s chin. And he was so beautiful.
Mike finally sent out an announcement email at 9:50pm. I asked him to call my parents for me. I didn’t know my siblings were glued to their inboxes so my parents were already informed. I heard my dad screaming “Congratulations!!!” in his accent. “I knew it was going to be a boy!”
The next 2 months were full of the usual first time mom hurdles: recovery from surgery, colic, breastfeeding issues galore, mastitis… Then there were the unexpected hurdles: Chinese postpartum confinement, parenting conflicts, severe mom guilt… It was so stressful. After month 2, though, I was finally able to relax and enjoy him. He was a very happy and chill baby. Literally, everyone around us was in love with him. He had the best belly laughs!
I have no doubt that his future is bright. Ty is very intelligent. It’s the first thing his teachers tell us at parent-teacher conferences. His retention and recall for facts and trivia is truly astonishing. He is a critical thinker and is always trying to interpret things from a different angle. In that way, he is often misunderstood. Very often I feel like I have a teenage on my hands. He’s figuring out the world in his own way and REALLY testing boundaries.
Ty is also a good big brother (when he’s not fighting with them). This is what I’m most proud of him. When I see moments of him being empathetic and nurturing to his younger siblings, I tell myself “OK, I didn’t mess him up too much.” He thinks up games for Eli to play and cheers for Eli’s successes. He is so patient and gentle with Quinn. He, too, tries to figure Quinn out and teaches her how to say words that sound like potty words (i.e. shirt, butt, etc). 🙄 He loves making them laugh…almost too much. In a weird way, I am comforted that he could not have turned out this way if it wasn’t for our exact circumstances.
As a Tiger Mom, I do not praise him often with adjectives (i.e. smart, intelligent, etc) because I don’t want him to get a big ego. Those adjectives are usually so binary. Either you are smart or you are not smart. Instead, I hyper focus on praising his actions. “Thank you for hanging up your coat.” “It’s great that you noticed Eli doing that.” I want him to continue those actions and focus on acting kind, not just being kind. I make an exception on birthdays. It is a day that we celebrate him so I hope he enjoys reading this post.
Ty reads my blog and is very excited about it. I plan on writing more about Ty’s diagnoses and our lessons together in a later post. He really wants to share his story and I want very much to tell it. Because he is older, I want to do it thoughtfully and respectfully with his consent.
I end this post with a letter to him:
Happy birthday, Ty!
You are a decade old now! I hope you got my special note this morning and that you enjoyed this post. I mean every word. I am really proud of you. You’ve always been such a good big brother, even at a young age. You are a sweet, passionate, and brilliant little man. I love cuddling with you and watching your brain work when it gets excited about a topic.
10 years ago, you made me a Mom! You made me want to be a better person every day. I’m not a perfect mom, but I hope I am a good one to you. We have our disagreements but I am really on your side. I really try to see you and understand you.
I know I am very hard on you. I push you to do things that are uncomfortable such as go to sleep away camp or try different foods. I do these things because I want to make you a better person. I want you to be open enough to explore new things and try new foods. How else are you going to know if you like it unless you try it?
Remember, no matter how mad I get, I will always love you. I will always be here to help you. I will always try to do what’s best for you. I love you so much!
Love, Mama